Single Cop with No Children Settles for Beating Meat

NEW YORK — Sergeant John DeGregorio, 39, of NYPD’s 68th precinct in Brooklyn returned home to an empty apartment Friday evening after a family court judge ruled in favor of his ex-wife, Gloria DeGregorio, awarding her sole custody of their two teenage sons.

“I’ve been a cop for 15 years, ever since we had our first boy. It’s always been pretty stressful, but Gloria was always there waiting for me when I got home,” noted DeGregorio. “When she finally escaped, I had to sit my boys down and let them know they were gonna have to step up. Now that they’re gone too, it’s like I don’t even know what to do with my hands.”

DeGregorio’s partner, Sergeant Lori O’Hare, 43, said the aftermath of the divorce included at least one instance of DeGregorio bringing his home to work with him.

“The motherfucker actually took a swing at me,” O’Hare recounted. “Partners for 13 years and he’s never so much as let out a fart upwind, but as soon as that broad is outta the picture, he tries to take it out on me. As if I don’t have enough problems with CPS up my ass, I gotta show up to a hostile work environment too? Fuck that shit. With two perfectly resilient young boys at home, there was just no excuse for that kinda behavior.”

Following Monday’s unfavorable custody ruling, DeGregorio’s general practitioner Dr. Damien Ju expressed concern over the NYPD hero’s chosen method of alternative stress relief.

“I’ve seen it at least a hundred times before. Cop loses his wife and kids, stress builds up, and not a week later the penis starts to look like something out of a Chernobyl snuff film,” said Dr. Ju. “Of course, I always recommend investing in a silicone-based lubricant, and they always respond that they’re not a fucking [homophobic slur].”

In response to an inquiry about Sgt. DeGregorio’s fitness for duty, a spokesperson for the NYPD told members of the press that no formal complaints have ever been filed against DeGregorio for misconduct, assuring us that the 68th precinct’s paper shredder is properly maintained and fully functional.

By John Merrifield

Twitter: @jbmerrifield



Categories: Satire

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