Troops Deployed to Local Chuck E. Cheese after Civil Unrest in the Ball Pit

MILKWAUKEE – Charles Entertainment Cheese, the ringleader of one of America’s beloved franchised wastelands, has incited violence in a local ballpit by displaying fascist behavior. The leader of the organization has long been an advocate for cutting corners with the business budget by not sanitizing the plastic balls and automating what could otherwise be quality entertainment.

“Nobody wants to see a mechanical fucking rat playing bullshit music to children man, not even the kids want to see that shit and honestly all it does is scare me and my friends.”

A random 5 year old.

The US Military surrounds the extremely depressing business locale.

I digress – The reign of Charles I has slowly descended from a once functioning democracy into the rabid throes of tyrannical law. The law was passed not even 24 hours before unrest broke out: all the balls are to be replaced with red balls. Liberals and Democrats will die before letting their beloved ball pit be homogenized, thus stripped of cultural equity and historical accuracy. All tickets earned are to be fed back into the machine and redistributed. The Ticket is no longer “yours” – the ticket is “ours.” Individuals have been stripped of their sovereign right to decide what prize they want. Is it Communism? Yes. Is it also a Dictatorship? Yes. I.e. the farthest thing from Plato’s Republic and a true wasteland governed by a collective incubus reincarnated as the “president of Chuck E. Cheese.”

Charles Entertainment Cheese.

Charles Entertainment Cheese has disguised it all as a “playground for patriots,” empowering right wing ski ballers to colonize a once sacred place to play. The new Chuck E. Cheese – a colonialist nightmare devoid of cultural integrity.

Political theorists have speculated another two centuries before the inevitable decay of government type reaches its rock bottom and a new era of Charles is ushered in – an era of autocracy and a thriving economy with a robust middle, working class.

An era where the games aren’t complete shit and the consumers have an actual reason to live.

Democracy is no longer a threat; an era where the value of the 20th centuries ever so precious Ticket is restored. An era where one can realistically hit the slots and go home that same day with an oversized blue elephant stuffed animal or cool remote control car.



Categories: News, Satire

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