1. The Historic Brooklyn Bridge
Free to visit and with an incredible view, the Brooklyn Bridge is a place for tourists and natives alike to gather and appreciate soul crushing beauty and loneliness experienced every day by the people in this city. Think about the vastness of the universe, and how insignificant you are not just in New York, but the cosmos. It’s your birthday! What if you were never existed? Would anything be different? Probably not.
2. The Steps of the New York Public Library
One of the most respected collections of literature in the world exists here. Renowned for its architecture and history, people flock here to pay respects to some of the greatest thinkers of our time. Take a seat and consider the fact that even though you brag about it at parties, you never finished
Infinite Jest. And you are so useless you even left that Keats book on the plane when you flew into JFK. How about the fact that you can only name one Bukowksi poem but your excuse is that he’s cancelled anyway.
3. Washington Square Park
Stand under the arch and feel its presence, think of all the things this arch has seen, and what it represents for people. This chunk of stone is more important than you will ever be. Snap a selfie before the tears come. They know you’re a tourist. Go buy a hat to make up for your guilt. You have a passing idea to make the jazz musicians play “Happy Birthday” and see the whole park erupt into song, for you! Wait you don’t have any cash. No one cares. You’re so fucking conceited.
4. The L
Hop on the historic subway line, wait which one is it? Try and look at Google Maps – shit, no reception. Maybe you should ask? No, they will know you aren’t from here. Are you heading into Flatbush? Where even is that? Why is that cop staring at you? You’re overwhelmed. Head back up the stairs and call your $45 Uber. This is your fault for thinking you were even capable of getting to your “party” which no one is coming to without some kind of assistance. Just go back to your aunt’s house in Long Island.
5. Outside of the 99c Fresh
Everyone talks about the fabled New York Slice. The World’s Best Pizza. You told all your friends back home in Illinois about your favorite spot on the “LES” but you kept walking past it because you were on the wrong side of the street. You just wanted an after party slice. Finally you find it, and get in line. God, it smells amazing! Wait – is this where the line starts? How much is it? The guy was mumbling. Just hand him a $5. Where’s your change? Don’t ask for it. Attempt to put some toppings on your cheese slice. What’s this brown powder? Why don’t they have parmesan? Why is the cashier yelling at you? You forgot your change. Just run.
by Kat Jimenez